I hope everyone had a great weekend spent with your family and friends, and for those about to get a lot of snow and ice I hope your prepared...we aren't but we will hustle and bustle today be sure we are ready for the worst.
While we did have a weekend full of friends and family it was Sunday night at home that got me thinking. Laying on the couch, with my shirt raised to show my belly, Chris came over to rub on the stretches skin. He looked up at me and asked a simple question "Can I tell them I love them?" I immediately said "NO!" then he said something that has changed my whole emotional outlook on this pregnancy. He said "but we are all they have right now"
After hearing Chris say those 8 words "but we are all they have right now" It repeated itself over and over again. I laid in bed trying to sort out what that meant, and what it SHOULD mean and what it COULDN'T mean. Here's what I came up with...for those of you with kids, when you leave them with a family member or daycare provider do you trust that your kids are taken care of? Do you trust that someone will show your child/children love and compassion while under their supervision? I am these babies caregiver, family relative, daycare provider...I should care for these girls, show them love and compassion...this has been a struggle because I am afraid of what loving them could mean, loving them means missing them when they are gone and I'm not sure how to handle that...I won't be sure until that time comes.
What I am sure of, is I do love these twins, if I didn't love them I wouldn't have willingly gave up my body to them. I loved them before I knew there would be a "them" I loved just the thought of "them" when that's all they were...a thought! Along with the love I have for these babies I have a deep love for their fathers which makes my role as a gestational carrier much easier to understand...I am to love, care, and provide for these twins while they grow inside me, and when I have done my job, the babies will be here, healthy and happy. I will miss them when they are gone but I will know I did what I said I would do and now they are with their amazing fathers striving and growing into amazing children who I am sure will make a difference in this world....
Writing this blog has been very therapeutic, because until now I didn't let myself show any emotion toward these babies and toward this pregnancy. Although we talk about the babies all the time, and explain the process to our kids almost daily, I have kept any feelings very distant and considered myself very detached because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. The truth is, every time I see those babies on the ultrasound monitor I tear up and can't wipe the huge grin off my face...the truth is, thats okay! These girls are not mine, but over the next few months I will be their caregiver I will show them love and compassion, I will sing to them in the shower, an yes...I will let Chris tell them he loves them, right after I get to say it, and when the time comes to hand these gorgeous girls over to their dads I will know that my work is done and now the couple can show them the love only parents can show their child and in that moment I will know that I did exactly what I was supposed to do!
You all have read blog after blog about my physical state, I have been incredibly sick, I've been exhausted, and I have had one to many "scares" because 1 scare is to many! I hope now you have an idea into my emotional state. It's confusing and scatterbrained I know...but remember this isn't a "normal" situation so normal feelings are far and few! I hope to keep you all updated on how I feel emotionally and physically so you have a better idea how this journey through surrogacy effects me and my family on a very personal level.
Thank you guys so much for sticking with me and showing an outpour of support. Thank you to all the people, even strangers who have asked how I am feeling, thank you to Autumn Smith who has generously donated her time as a photographer to take maternity pictures to complete our scrapbook. Thanks for all who have made my blog their Facebook status, showing support and and sharing it with others. Thanks to my friends and family willing to write heartfelt letters to show support and encouragement to the couple. Thank you to the couple for giving me the chance to know such amazing men and giving me the opportunity to love and care for your children, they have literally trusted me with their lives! And a big thanks to my amazing husband who works so hard all day to come home and take care of the girls, make dinner, clean the house all while making sure I am relaxing and comfortable. One more thanks, thank you to my beautiful kids, at 2 and 3 they have been so understanding and so helpful. I truly am the luckiest girl in the entire world
I can't say thank you enough! So one more time Thanks Everyone! I love you!
Autumn Smith, please feel free to leave your Photography website in the comment section, I would love for everyone to see what excellent work you do! Thanks again!