Friday, July 1, 2011

A mothers doubt?

After finding out the news, that the CSection would be moved up there was a lot to be done. 

Chris and I had to quickly find child care, along with meal planning to make sure our arrival home would be an easy adjustment. Laundry needed to be done, and the house needed a good clean...with less then 2 days before the surgery doing these small task seemed to be overwhelming but at last, they were complete. We were ready...well as ready as possible.

Thursday night (the night before surgery) emotions were flashing faster then I could process, I was scared, excited, nervous, anxious, but the emotion that had me most confused was love. I knew I loved these men, and I had grown to love their babies...the babies my body natured and grew...and for the first time I questioned "could I do this, could I hand these girls over?" I couldn't answer that, although I stayed awake all night, getting no sleep worried about that very question.

Morning slowly came, 4:30 and I was in the shower, tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks despite my effort to place my thoughts somewhere else. The nanny came and it was time to go. While riding in the car I expressed my fears with chris. I told him I feared the physical pain, but the emotional pain that I feared out weighed even the thought of being cut open. He talked me down which he does so well...he reminded me of how wonderful this gift of life was, and how much we have grown to love the couple. He explained what I already knew, that this couple deserves to feel the love we feel toward our own children and after that 30 minute conversation I thought I was ready!

We arrive at the hospital the men were jittery with excitement, and I was excited for them! Today they would go from being a couple to being dads, and a family of 4...this was the moment they prove people wrong, gay men could become parents, this was the moment they defied the odds, the moment they thought would never come...yet here it was! June 24th 2011!

Before going to my room I had to register. The men sat in the waiting room while I filled out paper work. This may have been the hardest part of this trip believe it or not. Paper after paper I signed my name, and on the last page I had to sign forms regarding the babies...I signed my name, the date, and under that was the question "relationship to child" I looked at Chris, I looked at the clerk and I was confused. I was award that in Indiana I am the legal mother but never have I referred to myself as "mother" so was I supposed to write "gestational carrier" or "surrogate" and a second or two which felt like an hour or two Chris said "your the mother" I hesitated to write the word because at that moment it felt real...all the confusion from the night before, felt real...I was giving MY babies away if in fact I claimed to be their mother. 

I wrote it, and I couldn't stop the tears, I tried to hide it, and I tried to dry my face before confronting the men but the tears had no sympathy. The wheel chair came around and i sat down wondering "is this all real?" as we winded around the hall and on to the elevator I realized...this is real, I'm going to have a CSection, these babies will be born, and they will not be in my room waiting on me, their mother, to hold them...they will be in the arms of two men...their dads and I will be in an empty room with nothing but a scar across my abdomen.

More to come so stay tuned, find out how surgery went, and find out hoe my emotional state changed!

1 comment:

  1. You're absolutely amazing and I'm almost tearful reading this. I, next month, go to have my transfer and I will be experiencing all of the same emotions after some time. You're incredible, a hero, a great mother and an inspiration!