Monday, November 7, 2011

France or Bust!

Hey everyone!
  Once again it's been a long while since I have written, but there hasn't been much going on surrogacy wise in our lives. Recently that has chanced though:)

Some of you may have heard the great news, but I'm writing today to share with those you haven't...WE ARE GOING TO FRANCE!!

All 4 of us (myself, my husband, and our 2 daughters) will be boarding a plane Christmas night in route to Paris, France. There we will meet our couple and the beautiful twins. We will spend 2 days in Paris sight seeing with our French family before boarding a high speed Train for 3 hours to the town where they live. We will spend 3 days there meeting their families and friends but mostly just catching up and baby gazing:). After our time at their home, all 8 of us will drive an hour to spend New Years Day in a Chateau located in the mountains. There, we will be joined by many friends and family to celebrate 2012! We can not wait! This will be my 2nd time to France, but a new experience for sure. I am so thrilled that we have a reason to Travel across the world, and that we are lucky enough to make our this trip possible.

January 4th we will board that same train, and head back to Paris in preparation to leave on the 5th. We will have a full 10 days with the 4 people who we now consider family. We have missed them so much over the past months and wiring until July to take our trip just seemed so far our plans did theirs, since we will not be visiting France in the summer, they will visit the US instead:) I absolutely can not believe how far we have come and I look so forward to our trip as well as many more!! 

I am so excited to share with you all the details of our happy reunion! Stay tuned in the new year to hear about all France has to offer:)

* on a side note, I was so happy to be given the opportunity to help and hopefully comfort another surrogate. When I began the process everything was so new, the emotions I felt as well has the physical aspect. I contacted a few surrogates but because each experience is different I didn't find it helpful. I began this blog as an open and honest look into MY surrogacy, and if it has helped in anyway it has been successful. If you are a surrogate seeking information, advice, or just someone to talk to who knows what you may be going through emotionally and physically please please feel free to email me at there I can give you my phone number for a more interactive conversation! 

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Decisions Decisions!

Hey everyone,

After many many long conversation, after nights spent awake, after evaulating my future, my wants, my needs, and those of my family, and my husband, a decision has been made. A decision that wasn't easy, one that was painful, and heart breaking, yet exciting and scary...most of all it is the right decision and I feel that way with my whole heart but it still hurts. Chris has been my rock through this, my voice of reason at times, but he also spoke as for my emotions and daughters, not knowing the struggles we faced also help by expessing time and time again what they wanted. Also, in such a time of need, you all stepped up, you gave your opinions, shared your personal stories and advice...every word was heard, every sacrid story was held dear to my heart and every prayer was answered. Thank you!
Here is the email I sent to the agency, regarding my final decision:
Hey Courtney,
 I am assuming you haven't heard from ORM yet, and at this point I'm going to say it's all right. (although I'm still interest as to what they have to say)

After talking to the doctor myself, and researching Placenta Accreta I think I'm going to have to do what's best for my health, my family, and ultimately the couple and decline.

Although, I haven't had contact with The couple I feel as though I am letting them down, at the same time I feel that I am saving them emotional stress and money. The doctor said complications were a given, plus if I were to have additional surgery due to complications after birth, that would be an expense they could avoid if they had a healthier surrogate. I know the last couple felt guilt and emotionally stressed watching me go through all the unexpected problems and I know they wouldn't wish that on These men and neither do I.

I am so sorry for dragging this decision out, I honestly felt great about doing another surrogacy and I hope to do one in the future. But I think if there is a doubt in my mind, or if I am scared or worried in anyway I better reevaluate, which is exactly what I have done, with the support and help of Chris and so many friends and family.

Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity, and please express my apologizes to the men. I really am heart broken and wish them only the best of luck in their endeavors.

Alexis Cummings

Thank you all for helping me make the choice I new was right yet wasn't able to admit. I feel very sad that I am not the person able to give these men the blessing of a child. The experience is one that is unlike anything in this world and I had looked forward to going through it once more. Unfortunately that wasn't in the cards this time around. Although I am extremely heart broken and feel absolutely guiltly for letting this go on as long as it did I am excited to start an adventure of our own, Ruby and hazel come up with silly names daily for their "baby brother" and although I feel that after 3 pregnancies, and 4 girls there is no chance of a "baby brother" in their future, Chris and I look forward to trying:)

So, give us until March, but be expecting the Cummings Family to expend!

Also, if you are interested in becoming a surrogate, I can not say enough great things about the process and experience. Surrogate Mothers Inc is such a pleasure to work with, the clinic is informative and very willing to give you one on one attention to focus on your individual case, the traveling is a lot of fun, and the experience is humbling, life changing and so rewarding. Please contact me with any questions you many have regarding surrogacy or becoming a surrogate and I will steer you in the right direction!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Bitter Sweet

Hey Everyone,
Our new journey has just begun and sadly it may be ending just as quickly as it started. As I mentioned in my last blog, I would only accept the surrogacy offer pending my doctor completed a full physical and gave me the "go ahead". My husband and I both went to see my OB/GYN last Friday to discuss our recent ventures into another surrogacy. We also expressed our desire yo expand our own family, he was very open and very honest when it came to answering our many questions so I would like to share with you our discussion: ( Q-representing the question asked by me or my husband. A-representing the answer given by my doctor)

Q. As you know Chris and I have a strong desire to expand our own family, our plans were to try in March but we recently have been asked to do another surrogacy. Given my complications during the last pregnancy what are my risks?

A. With each pregnancy you are at risk of more aches and pains. You will get bigger, causing more back aches, more belly stretching, more preterm contractions and possibly preterm labor, these are typical. Given your past pregnancy, and the fact that you had a D&C just days after your CSection surgery plus given that fact that you have had long term post partum bleeding you are also at a much much high risk for "Placenta Accreta"

Q. What is "Placenta Accreta"?

A. The fetus is fed through the placenta, the placenta has fibers that attach to the uterus, this is the fetus' life support. Placenta Accreta is where the fibers of the placenta attach through the uterus, much to deeply. This usually does not effect the baby. However since the placenta is so deeply attached it is impossible to remove after birth...meaning the entire uterus will have to be removed. if this were to happen this would be your last pregnancy, you would also be at risk for a hemorrhage during the birth especially given you are highly anemic.

Q. You have mentioned I am at high risk for this placenta disorder, what is considered high risk? like 10% or like 80%

A. A typical pregnant woman is at less then 1% risk for any kind of pregnancy related problem. In the case of Placenta Accreta it a 1 in 1200 chance. In your particular case you are at a 5% chance, which doesn't seem like much but that is 5 times more likely then the average woman.

Q. Putting all your moral issues aside, wether you agree with surrogacy or not...what is your recommendation, with my best interest in mind. If you tell me "No, this isn't a good idea, don't do this!" I will stop the process in its tracks.

A. Knowing your desire to have another child, and assessing the risks at hand, my recommendation is to wait! To have a child of your own first...Then follow through with a surrogacy if that is something you are still interested in doing, This way your family is complete, and if something goes wrong there will be no regret.

This basically summed up our appointment, and as you can imagine Chris and I had much to talk about. We discussed doing this surrogacy for a month before coming to the conclusion we did. Now it was back to square one. our hearts and minds weighed heavy and still do today.

Do the risks we have to take to give this couple the family the dream of out weigh our desire to expand our own family? is it selfish to want another child when we have two beautiful healthy children and this family has none? If we went through with a surrogacy, and I was unable to have another child, could we handle that emotionally?

These questions plus so many more run through our minds constantly. it has kept us up at night. Our hearts say to go on, go through with this surrogacy, help this couple. Chris has said that although he too wants another baby of our own he is perfectly happy with the two we have, emotionally he could handle not having another child, but he isn't sure how to comfort me if that was the case. He also brought up that fact that we have always wanted to adopt, and we could use the money from the surrogacy to adopt a needy child if in fact I was unable to get pregnant again. although this is what Chris has said, it has also changed day to day. My feelings aren't as easily said. Im not sure how I feel, until a doctor say "Alexis, I'm sorry but you will never be able to bare a child again" I just don't know how I would feel about that kind of news. Would I chalk it up to fait. would I regret my choices, or would I be depressed...maybe I would accept it and find a child I love through the process of adoption. I really don't know how to answer these questions, I don't know how I feel.

like I have mentioned, Chris and I have a lot to talk about. We have to think about ourselves, our families, our children as well as our feelings toward a cause we support 110%, our morals, our values, and our love for helping people in this very special way. I am still waiting to hear from the clinic in Portland, they are currently still revising my medical records. I look forward to seeing what they have to say, because their thoughts, plus my doctors recommendation, on top of the may talks between Chris and myself will hopefully help us make our final decision.

either way I have a feeling I may be heart broken, this is a very bitter sweet situation and with good comes bad and that will weigh very heavy on our hearts. Most of you know by now I am not a religious, but those who are I ask for you to pray we make the right decision for our family. those of your who are not religious please just keep us in your thoughts, and feel free to share your thoughts with us....through your support and encouragement I have gotten through many tough times...this is no exception!

thank you again for following our journey, though it may be short lived, we appreciate it:)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Hey everyone,
  It's me again, and I am sure your wondering why I'm writing...especially since I ended my surrogacy story a few weeks ago. 

  Well the Cummings Family has some exciting news to share with you. Over the past year you all have followed our Journey Through Surrogacy, your kind words and tremendous amount of support was so overwhelming and appreciated especially during the tough times but not forgotten during the great times... We hope that you will continue to support us and follow us as we enter  into another Journey through another surrogacy!!

Chris and I had planned on expanding our family very soon, but in my heart I knew I wanted to do another surrogacy. I struggled for a long time and to be honest it's still a struggle at time: do I expand my own family right now? Or do I help an unfortunate couple start a family they otherwise wouldn't have? I desperately want another baby of my own, and so do Chris but we have 2 beautiful daughters who have my whole life without them isn't a life I want to I put myself in the shoes of a family unable to have children and my heart breaks, so to me, to us, this is our way of giving two people the "light of their lives" just has Ruby and Hazel are the lights of our lives:)

We re-applied with our agency, fully expecting to wait a long time to be chosen, just as we did the first time around. Our thought was...if this was meant to be we will be selected by March...if we aren't selected by March we will work on expanding our own family. The next day we were selected! A sign...this is what we were supposed to do!

We discussed the pro's and con's for over a you can imagine Chris was very skeptical and concerned for my health (as I am still struggling to with complications from my csection) after discussing and really racking our brains we agreed to continue through the process.

  This is still in the early stages, I still need to be cleared by the Portland clinic, and for my own personal benefit I want to physically be cleared by my doctor, as well as discuss any risk and recommendations.

Given I am cleared, This transfer will not take place before my body is fully ready (typically 9 months after my last delivery). Also I can assure you there will be only 1 embryo implanted so the risk for twins is the same as it is for the general population (3%).  As far as the couple who selected us, we are very excited to get to know them. We have not spoken to them yet because we all feel it would be best to invest ourselves emotionally AFTER getting cleared by the doctors. As of right now I know very little about them and their "story" and I think at this point what I know is much to personal to share, as I don't have a personal relationship with them...and we are not sure if we are a compatible match for one another, only during many conversations, and a physical meeting can that be decided. I will tell you this couple and I have some common ground, FRANCE!

Stay tuned, no matter which way this journey goes I will blog all along the way...remember though, these beginning steps take time so writing may not be consistent, however, since this is my second (and last) time doing this, it will go much faster then the first time around. Thank you all again and gain for your ongoing support and kind words I look forward to sharing this process with you once again:)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Until next time

Hey Everyone,
  WOW! I am so sorry to keep you all waiting, at least I hope you are all still waiting. I have really just been enjoying my summer with my family, I feel like during my surrogacy I was so sick that my time was mostly spent in bed wishing I could run and play with my that I am able to do just that, I am...and I am loving every second of it!
  But I think its finally time to fill you all in on the heart warming ending to this wonderful journey we started just a little over a year ago. I use the word “ending” loosely though because though the surrogacy has ended our friendship has only just begun...plans are already in the works for a reunion in France next July and we couldn’t be more thrilled. But for now, here is how our surrogacy journey ended...
I will say, the day came much to soon for all of us. None of us wanted to say good bye, and it was easy to pretend the departure day would never come. We spent our nights visiting over meals and laughs with the couple, we held the twins tight, fed them, changed their diapers, and coo’ed over their beautiful smiles. My daughters fell head over heels for the twins, Ruby was never without a baby on her lap! The guys were so patient with my daughters and were always willing to have them participate in feedings and changings, this made it even easier to pretend they would be staying around forever. But you can only put reality off for so long, weeks turned into days, days turned in to hours and before we knew it Chris and I had packed our girls up and were driving to the hotel where the new family was staying so that we could say our good byes.
  I had rehearse all day what I was going to say, when I was going to give them hugs, how I was going to give them the gift we had made and how I would say goodbye to the we drove to Plainfield (where they stayed) we were all silent, i’m not sure any of us knew how to comfort one another during this time. So while it was quite, I again went over what I planned on saying...It was perfect! it went something like this:
“ A year ago we embarked on this crazy journey with two men we hardly knew with the intentions to teach our children to be humble, teach them to be giving, teach them the importance of equality and love, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine an out come like this, one where we too learned many things. Over this year we have learned that sometimes you find more in common with two gay men who live an ocean away then people who have known your whole life. we have learned that through an experience such as a surrogacy its impossible to walk away without a massive amount of love and respect for one another, but the most important thing we have learned throughout this year is that family is not defined by blood relation because over this last year our family has grown by 4. We can not imagine our lives without the twins and the guys in it, and these months and years without you only minutes away will be the hardest months and years of our lives. we look forward to keeping in close contact and celebrating the milestones as they approach, we look forward to sharing special moments with you through emails, phone calls, and skyping....and please know that though you are many many miles away you are always close in our heart and you will always be on our minds! We love you, and we have cherished this time together and look forward to the day when we are together again, sharing laughs, meals, and coo’ing over those beautiful smiles”
This is what I had practiced saying, however as you can imagine once I got to the hotel it was a whole different ball game.
  We pulled up and one of the guys was outside doing the last minute packing. the car was jam packed, full of baby supplies and suitcases...I looked at the packed car then at him and as we made eye contact i felt my nose start to tingle and I could see his eye water, t was too soon to start the sobbing so I instantly started talking about the girls, and making jokes, again pretending today was not the dreaded day. We all headed upstairs to their room, it was bare, other then the two beautiful bundles of joy laying on the couch just waiting our arrival. I could have sworn the they had gotten bigger over night. of course Ruby wasted no time, she wanted a baby on her lap, so did Hazel...maybe it was because the twins were still so small, but they didn’t seem to mind Ruby and Hazel’s not so gentle handling of them. We all had a seat, and for the first time it was hard to make conversation, no one wanted to be the one saying goodbyes, no one wanted to acknowledge that in moments we would all be getting in our cars and driving separate ways.
  The girls were done holding the babies, it was now mine and Chris’s turn to hold them and say our goodbyes. This is one of the moments I wished never came, I held Chloe’ she was so cute, chubby cheeks and her little O shaped mouth, always hungry that one!  I told her I loved her, and that I would miss having her close. I didn’t want to switch with Chris because I knew that meant my time with Chloe was over, but I did. Garance...She was perfect, so small...which these pretty lips, never did you see her eyes, she always had them closed but when you did, wow, just gorgeous! Again I said the same to her, she and I had some hard times together so seeing her healthy was just overwhelming, and saying goodbye was hard because if you can remember way back to week 14 I thought we would be saying our goodbyes then, what a miracle!
  The guys strapped them into their carseats and we grabbed what was left to grab. i could tell Ruby and Hazel were confused, I am sure they assumed we would see them again the following day, but Chris and I knew that wasn’t the case at all. we made it to the parking lot, still not saying much. They put the carseats in the car, and Ruby and Hazel hopped up in there and gave them both kisses and said goodbye, thats when we tried to explain that the babies would finally be going home to see the rest of their family, and it wouldn’t be for a very long time that we would be seeing them again. still it didn’t set in. My girls ran off to play in our car while the four of us adults just blankly stared at each other not sure how to say goodbye. so I started, All I had rehearsed flew out of my head and all I could think to say was “I hope you all have a safe trip, we will miss you and we love you all so much” even that didn’t come out without an out pour of tears. I tried to hold it together but failed. both guys began to cry to, Chris was the only strong one, and even he was having a hard time. Words meant nothing during this time, we all just hugged each other tightly not wanting to let go but knowing we would have to. Finally I had to pull away, I kissed both babies one last time and told them I loved them and walked away without turning back. I saw this confused look in Ruby’s eyes, she had finally figured it out...This was it, there was no tomorrow with these guys and the babies she had grown to love. From the car she ran across the parking lot, arms spread wide open and both men got down on their knees and embraced her in the biggest hug...I knew in that moment it wouldn’t be long before The Cummings Family would reunite with these men and their daughter in France, we had become 1 family over the past year, and although the surrogacy was over this journey had just begun, we have a life time of these moments, so that day was not a goodbye, it was a “Until next time”
So, there you have it, we ended on such a wonderful note, and from that day on we have remained in close contact. Emailing at least twice a week, Skyping, texting, and sending pictures as much as possible. We will be In France for two week In July and that day is always talked about in our house and in theirs.
  Thank you all so much for sticking with us through this amazing life changing journey I can honestly say that you have all made this so much more worth while. and sharing my story has brought me so much joy over the past year. I look forward to sharing some great news with you all very soon but until then stay put...I WILL BE WRITING SOON! ;)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Surprise! Its a baby shower for you!

After leaving the hospital we all went our separate ways. Chris and I were reunited at home with our girls as the new family settled in at their hotel 40 minutes away. This time was bitter sweet, I was glad to be recovering in my own bed, but I speak for my entire family when I say we missed long visits with the guys and baby girls.

No worries though, we were only apart for 2 days. Then we were back together again. They were here for 3 weeks after the birth of the that 3 weeks we hardly spent a night apart. We ate dinner at our house, their hotel and out at restaurants together, went swimming together, spent time enjoying outside together and when we weren't with eachother as a family of 8 we were writing emails and text as well as sending pictures. This time will be cherished forever, we all bonded and grew into one unit!

To show our love, and appreciation for this once in a life time unique opportunity we thought we would do something the people of France don't do...we threw a good ol baby shower, Indiana style of course. The guys thought we were just having a cook out ( which they came to enjoy during their stay) but soon realized it was much more as gifts, balloons, and a cake that featured two babies girls on it were carried in. 

They were so thankful and again overwhelmed with joy, they couldn't believe the generosity of complete strangers. They shared many hugs, and plenty of "thank yous" but as the gift opening came to an end there was one gift left...the gift from us to them.  1st we had to get them Purdue shirts to go with the awful IU hats they got from my brother and sister in law...they got a real kick out of that and so did the group of 45 people who came to the shower. Then came the Tiffanys Co. Charms which were monogramed with the girls initials, then came the tears as they open the recordable book, read by Chris and I, dedicated to the twins...they listened to the entire book as they cried imagining our voices helping put the girls we all love to sleep as they listen to their bedtime story. Judging by the sniffles and "awes" the 4 of us weren't the only ones crying. Last was a gift I had worked on for months...a scrap book, which caused more tears. This book explained who we are, it showed pictures of my belly week by week, maternity pictures taken by Autumn Smith and Kaila Harkins, it also had a letter written to the twins from me and a letter to the dads from my husband (also a father of two girls), we included pictures of the shower, the hospital stay, likes and dislikes during pregnancy and all the ultrasound CD's and hospital bands. Are hope is that this scrapbook will keep us close to a family so far away and provide clarity for the girls as they get older.

They day came to an end, but not before passing the babies around for everyone to see. Like we imagined, everyone left with a lasting impression of this family. Some people I'm sure were surprised at what wonderful fathers these two men are to two princesses but Chris and I never had a doubt, they are strong, loving, caring guys and I must say, coming from someone who has a strained/no relationship with her father these little ladies are very very lucky!

Be prepared, the next blog will come soon and it will relive our parting which is a rough day to write about...stay tuned!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

My family grew!

After a long stressful night of no sleep, Friday June 24th seemed to fly by. From the time we arrived at the hospital the hands on the clock were spinning. 
  Worry and fear rushed through me...luckily I was surrounded by love and support. My husband, my best friend, my aunt (who called every family member to keep them posted) my cousins, and of course the Daddies to be. It was nice having the room full of chatter because it helped silence the very loud voice in my head shouting "you can't do this, its going to hurt, how can you give these babies up?" 
Soon nurses bustled in and out, sign this, sign that, IV therapy will be up shortly, expect this, expect that, the doctor will be here shortly. It was all a rush. 6 a.m. Is when I arrived and my 8 a.m. Surgery time came much to quickly.

I was told only Chris could be in the operating room, imagine the excitement and we all shared when they said the dads could come in as well! We all walked the hall together. The men however stopped at the operating room door while I walked through to receive my spinal block. Chris is my rock so I was a nervous wreck without him. 

It took 15 minutes, many tears and  the nurse repeating "relax Alexis" to get the block but finally I was numb. Maybe "finally" isn't a good describing word, because though I was numb my mind was racing...I hated being awake and not being in control of my body. I was in panic mode and I needed Chris. As they sat up the sterile field around my stomach I began to vomit came up though due to the numbness in my abdomen, there for I choked on my own fear causing me to pass out. I could hear everything going on around me, my nerves cause my blood pressure to spike. I had a weird moment where I honestly thought I was dying...I'm pretty dramatic I admit and being in this helpless numb state didn't help.

Chris and the guys entered the room, all a little nervous and unsure what to expect, as was I! Soon I heard "the incision has been made" I felt nothing! Chris taped the surgery and talked to me so I would stay calm, which didn't work because I passed out once more. Soon came tugging and pushing and pulling....then I looked at one of the guys...a shocked look took over his face, then a smile and a wave of tears and cries from both men and from a perfect 5 lb baby A! The expression on everyones face was the look of amazement...this surrogacy was real, the first baby was here! 1 minute later a healthy baby B was there joining us. Again, everyone in the room shared tears of joy! It was in this moment I knew, I COULD do this, I DID this...I had two healthy babies, and they belonged to 2 amazing men, and seeing what proud papas they were and seeing the appreciation written on their faces and the love expressed in their smiles and tears made it easy to hand both beautiful girls over to their parents!

Recovery was difficult, I'm officially calling myself out...I was a huge whimp! The couple roomed next to us so them and the twins visited us often, I wish I could put into words how natural both men are at parenting. They couldn't take their eyes off of the girls, constantly kissing their tiny four-heads, or rubbing their hair...they only let them out of their arms so that one of our many visitors could hold them, and they were very insistent that I spend time with the girls as well...which may seem like it would emotionally be hard but it was obvious who these daddy's girls belonged to so it wasn't hard at all, easy even, I just enjoyed the bonding time, with the girls and the dads.

The time in the hospital was short, 3 days, but in those 3 days my family grew. I grew to love the and understand the men even more and watching them go from two men into two dads was nothing short of life changing! Words will never describe the feels I have experienced during our time together!

Friday, July 1, 2011

A mothers doubt?

After finding out the news, that the CSection would be moved up there was a lot to be done. 

Chris and I had to quickly find child care, along with meal planning to make sure our arrival home would be an easy adjustment. Laundry needed to be done, and the house needed a good clean...with less then 2 days before the surgery doing these small task seemed to be overwhelming but at last, they were complete. We were ready...well as ready as possible.

Thursday night (the night before surgery) emotions were flashing faster then I could process, I was scared, excited, nervous, anxious, but the emotion that had me most confused was love. I knew I loved these men, and I had grown to love their babies...the babies my body natured and grew...and for the first time I questioned "could I do this, could I hand these girls over?" I couldn't answer that, although I stayed awake all night, getting no sleep worried about that very question.

Morning slowly came, 4:30 and I was in the shower, tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks despite my effort to place my thoughts somewhere else. The nanny came and it was time to go. While riding in the car I expressed my fears with chris. I told him I feared the physical pain, but the emotional pain that I feared out weighed even the thought of being cut open. He talked me down which he does so well...he reminded me of how wonderful this gift of life was, and how much we have grown to love the couple. He explained what I already knew, that this couple deserves to feel the love we feel toward our own children and after that 30 minute conversation I thought I was ready!

We arrive at the hospital the men were jittery with excitement, and I was excited for them! Today they would go from being a couple to being dads, and a family of 4...this was the moment they prove people wrong, gay men could become parents, this was the moment they defied the odds, the moment they thought would never come...yet here it was! June 24th 2011!

Before going to my room I had to register. The men sat in the waiting room while I filled out paper work. This may have been the hardest part of this trip believe it or not. Paper after paper I signed my name, and on the last page I had to sign forms regarding the babies...I signed my name, the date, and under that was the question "relationship to child" I looked at Chris, I looked at the clerk and I was confused. I was award that in Indiana I am the legal mother but never have I referred to myself as "mother" so was I supposed to write "gestational carrier" or "surrogate" and a second or two which felt like an hour or two Chris said "your the mother" I hesitated to write the word because at that moment it felt real...all the confusion from the night before, felt real...I was giving MY babies away if in fact I claimed to be their mother. 

I wrote it, and I couldn't stop the tears, I tried to hide it, and I tried to dry my face before confronting the men but the tears had no sympathy. The wheel chair came around and i sat down wondering "is this all real?" as we winded around the hall and on to the elevator I realized...this is real, I'm going to have a CSection, these babies will be born, and they will not be in my room waiting on me, their mother, to hold them...they will be in the arms of two men...their dads and I will be in an empty room with nothing but a scar across my abdomen.

More to come so stay tuned, find out how surgery went, and find out hoe my emotional state changed!

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Ultrasound Surprise!

June 22nd, today was the day the couple would see their daughters for the first time. They were so excited for my ultrasound appointment, and I was excited for them...I took pride in showing off these babies who have taken over my body!
  The tech would point out the bladders, the thigh bones and their full tummies, but due to the language barrier they didn't pick up much. Then in a second baby A turned her face giving everyone a clear view of just how beautiful she was. Both men hopped out of their sets and shouted "her face" in French...with a smile ear to ear it was hard to fight back tears. 
  The ultrasound was great, so we thought. At the end the tech whispered to me "baby A is a half pound smaller then B and I see no fluid around her, I have to make a note of that for the doctor to see." I then relayed the message to the dads, and the smile that took over was now a look of worry.
  As we waited and waited for the doctors arrival time seemed to slow down. We kept good conversation so at least we had each other to take our minds off of the worry and anxiety. Finally in scrubs the doctor came in (I think he may have just got done performing surgery).
  He explained that baby A weighed 3 pounds 11 ounces and baby B  weighed 4 pounds 9 ounces. The slow growth of baby A was due to fluid being low. In cases like this, it's best to deliver asap. With wide eyes all 3 of us looked at each other wondering what that may mean. The Doctor chimed in saying "I think it best if we do the CSection this Friday!" I should have been excited, I was ready...but only 1 1/2 day to prepare was not enough and my nerves took over. The men seemed scared, yet excited all at once, we all had so much to do! In just a few hours this pregnancy would end with two baby girls being held in their fathers arms...were we ready?

Stay tuned to find out what happened next, I promise it will touch your hearts to the point of pure happiness!

More to come...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Part 2: Reunited and it Feels so good!

Hey everyone,
  Here is the much anticipated part 2 of my blog...and just the thought of writing it makes me want to sing "Reunited and it feels so good..." 

  They are here! The daddies...they are finally with us, and I have never felt more complete! For the first time during this pregnancy I feel relieved...everything is in place for the birth of these girls, no wondering what will happen if the guys don't make it in time, no more feeling like they will miss out, just the simple satisfaction of having everyone together for the joyous occasion we have ALL been waiting for.

The guys flew in to Chicago Thursday and on Saturday they were settled in to their hotel in Avon Indiana! I couldn't believe it...after months of being a world apart they were only minutes away! We planned on meeting at 6 and enjoying dinner together and I assure you, 6:00 couldn't have came fast enough. I waited and waited (and napped) and waited more. It came time to leave and between these crazy pregnancy hormones and my excitement I will admit I was literally pushing Chris and the girls out the door! 

We arrived at the hotel to be greeted by one of the dads. The expression on his face will forever stick with me. This was the first time he was able to see his daughters. The feeling was strange...all this time, I have felt them kick, seen them on ultrasounds, and heard their heartbeats...and here their father stands, seeing my growing stomach which holds his daughters for the first time. 

We went upstairs for a drink ( caffeine free DT coke) and to meet up with dad number 2. Again, when walking in the door I received the same look...immediately after, the couple exchanged a quick conversation in french, I was a little insecure not being able to understand but they were anxious to fill me in. They couldn't believe it, for the first time this was all real, and my extra large tummy was proof!

We met up with my best friend Erica (who met the guys in Portland) and did a lot of catching up at the dinner table. They were curious to know how I was feeling, and asked time and time again if I was okay, or tired. Once again they proved to be such wonderful people, so considerate, so humble and appreciative.  And again I thought...we are matched with the most perfect couple, which left me feeling so excited about this long bumpy journey we have been traveling down for the past year!

 Time flew by and conversation came easy, but the night came to a very unwanted end, but it wouldn't be for long. The next day was Sunday, Father's fitting:) we invited them to a cook out in Spencer, Indiana at Chris' brothers house. They gladly accepted and had a terrific time. They kept asking if living in a cabin, in the woods, eating outside on the porch was "normal" because they have only seen such a scene in the movies. They enjoyed corn on the cob for the first time, and wore IU hats...listened to folk music and laughed it up when jokes were told. They fit right in and instantly Chris' family saw what we saw all those months ago, they loved the couple and embraced them with hugs and the kindest words. 

Once again our evening came to an end, and once again we planned to meet the next evening...this time for shopping!!! Unfortunately the shopping trip was exchanged for a hospital trip due to me being under the weather. It wasn't a lost cause though...they got to see the hospital, they were complete impressed! But the highlight of this hospital trip was, for the first time the guys got to hear their babies heart beats...all you mommies and daddies know what a magical moment that is. Typically it happens around 10 weeks...they waited 8 months to hear that amazing gallop of racing heart beats. At the moment, their smiles said it all, my heart was full I felt at that moment all the pain, all the scares, all the hospital visits were worth it! I can't even imagine how overwhelmingly happy I will be to see then united with their girls...and I can't wait to share that experience with you, so again...stay tuned only 10 days at the most:)

Also if anyone is interested in joining us for a welcoming cookout we will host one in honor or the twins and the dads July 10th plea send your addresses and I will get a formal invite out asap:)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Part 1: In Labor/ Out of Labor?

Hey Everyone,
  Holy WOW! so much has gone on since my last blog...and once I explain I am sure you all will accept my apologies for not posting as often as I promised.

  For the past month these dramatic little twins have been trying their hardest to make an early debut. I have been spending many days and nights in the hospital trying to maintain this pregnancy as long as possible with the help of many many medications. At least 1 night has been spent at the hospital per week plus I have a routine doctors appointment once a week. So here lately I'm feeling very much at home laying in a hospital bed with the hum of IV machines to keep me company. 

2 weeks ago was our biggest "labor" scare. At my weekly doctors visit i mentioned to my doctor that I was still experiencing regular contractions (which I assumed were Braxton Hicks) every 6 minutes along with some cramping...after a cervical check he determined that I was dilated to 2 cm which isn't a big deal but a huge change from the week before. He sent me to the hospital for monitoring and things turned for the worst.

The contractions got worse even with medication. And by the end of the night I was dilated to 4 cm. I was in full fledged labor. It was much to early for delivery so things got very tense. Chris had already gone for the night so needless to say I was pretty nervous. I was swarmed my 6 nurses, and the doctor. They were rushing me to St Vincent Women's center via ambulance. I was given a drug called magnesium to stop labor to ensure the babies would not be delivered on the ambulance. 

Chris was already in Indianapolis at a small concert I was sad to miss, getting me an autograph as a surprise so it was very easy for him to meet me at the hospital. Once there the neonatal specialist prepared me for what would happen if the babies were born, I also talked to the doctor who would preform the CSection if necessary. By the end of the night and on into the early morning I was on so many pain meds and so exhausted from excruciating contractions I was able to get some sleep and by morning I was sore but active labor had  stopped. I stayed for 2 nights to make sure I wasn't actively dilating anymore. I wasn' I was homeward bound!

Every since that evening my doctor has kept very close eye on me and the changes my body is currently going through. The goal was to keep me pregnant until at least 35 weeks so that I am able to stay with our local I am, 35 weeks and 3 days, so now I can say "We made it!"

On average twins are born at 35 weeks so we are anticipating their birth any day, but at the latest they will be here July 1st. I am still experiencing contractions, and I am wore out. My body feels 38 weeks pregnant which means I lay in bed a lot. Everyday tasks, like doing my make up or even showering has become more of a chore. I find myself very temperamental and testy as well as emotional...all I can say is my poor poor husband lol!  Luckily he will only have to deal with these crazy hormones for a few more days!

Now that your updated on my medical condition...part 2 is to come! The daddies are here and I can not wait to fill you all in on our reunion:) stay tuned!!

Monday, May 23, 2011

I'm about there...maybe?

Hey Everyone,

  31 weeks and 4 days...I could probably count up how many hours and minutes pregnant I am at this point, any pregnant lady would tell you the same once they have made it this far. Being anxious and nervous makes these last weeks agonizingly long!

July 1st is my new CSection date, but me nor the doctors believe I will make it to that date, and the surprise factor is killing me! I'm the kind of person who, even at 26 still begs to know what I got for Christmas weeks (even months) in not knowing when theses girlies are going to make their debut has me crazy with anticipation, especially after last week!

Last week I spent 2 nights thinking "tonights the night" while being stuck in a hospital bed away from my family (which was very difficult for all of us). I was sent to the hospital due to regular contractions coming every 5 minutes. I have began to dilate but we determined this was preterm labor rather then the real thing. I was given an injection to stop labor, the side effect was rapid heart rate. If you read my last blog you know that I need no help raising my pulse, so this medication sent me in to a full on panic/anxiety attack...these attacks also have occurred due to Chloe' being so high. So after wearing an oxygen mask, and various medications we got everything under control! While there I was also given steroid injections (oh my, I would take months of hormone injections over the 2 steroid injections I received) these were very painful but well worth it. They were given to boost lung development in both girls incase of a preterm delivery, which is looking likely.

I'm finally home and with the help of a handful of medication for the contractions, anxiety, iron problems and acid reflux things seem to be under control. I spend a lot of time in bed, trying to relax due to doctors orders but it's difficult with everyday life is going on around you. 

My husband has been tremendously amazing throughout this difficult time and has proven again and again to be my rock. My girls hated having mommy in the hospital so even at 2 and 3 they take it easy on me (most of the time) I can't wait until these twins are born and I get that pay off of two smiling daddies and a normal summer spent with my family...I miss trips to the zoo and the park, but for now I'll take it day by day and hope for the health of these beautiful baby girls they stay safe and snug for a few more weeks!

My next doctors appointment is Wednesday followed by an ultrasound next week, I'll keep you informed!

*as most know, there was a devastating tornado that hit Joplin, MO. During the beginning stages of this surrogacy process I relied heavily on a woman, wife, mother of 2, surrogate who resides in this town torn by a deadly tornado. Please pray her and her family is safe and surrounded by help during this time of disastrous weather!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Unexpected turn!

Hey Everyone,
  Finally, I have reached the 3rd trimester...and like the beginning of this pregnancy, things have proven to take a turn for the worst! 
  2 weeks ago I was experiencing contractions, so after my routine check up I was sent to the hospital for some fetal monitoring as well as blood test. Everything came back fine...just dehydrated. The blood work showed that I am in fact anemic ( I was a 6, normal is 12). Other then a daily iron pill I was instructed to go about my day to day life, no biggy!
  A week later I had a standard ultrasound, the babies looked good, but once again baby A is showing her stubborn side and is slowly slipping off the " average " size scale. There was no immediate threat, just something we would "keep an eye on" I left feeling pretty good and very anxious to have these two perfect babies and be reunited with their dads!
  Today, well today there was a twist! I went in for a weekly routine visit, the doctor was pleased with how things had turned out. I measured 39 weeks (typical for a twin pregnancy), both fetal heart rates sounded great, and finally we had a CSection scheduled for July 7th at 7:30 a.m.  Before leaving the doctor noticed that  even a small task like holding a conversation made me winded. He asked if I had am problems breathing and I mentioned that just walking to the bathroom made my heart race as though I just ran a marathon. I figured having two babies inside me, and being so large at 30 weeks this was pretty normal. He, as a precaution decided to do an oxygen intake count. My oxygen levels were great (90) but my resting pulse was extraordinarily high (200, 150, 140...normal for a pregnant woman is 90-100) he then explained that the iron pills weren't working fast enough, and with the anemia my heart is working extra hard to pump my very thin blood causing a shortness of breath. If I am struggling the babies are struggling, so this is pretty scary stuff. I am at high risk for heart failure, and a emergency CSection would usually be the next step...however, due to the anemia it's not safe to undergo surgery. So, what do we do now...

I have been ordered on strict bed rest (impossible with 2 toddlers). And I'm can not so anything that my raise my heart rate! I go to the hospital next Wednesday for a Biophysical ultrasound to check the vitals of both girls, followed by an appointment to discuss what needs to happen from this point forward. The scheduled CSection will likely be moved up a week or two, and we will decide what needs to be done in the meantime. As of now I am shaking in my boots and hoping among all hope for the best possible outcome...after all, this pregnancy went from awful to perfect in a matter of weeks, maybe that same luck will strike once more?!

  I have a wonderful group of friends, and a terrific husband, with their love and support I know the next few weeks will work in the favor of all involved. I am in close contact with the dads too and their main concern at this point is my health and well being...the compassion and understanding they willingly lend me is all the more reason I feel so great about giving them this gift of responsibility and parenthood!      

Thanks so much for your kind and caring words! I am eager to update you on this situation so keep following this amazing and unexpected journey!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

From our family to yours

Garance & Chloe,
 I'm writing you today, knowing it will be years before you both are mature enough to process exactly what I am about to say. My hopes, though, are that one day in the future you are able to look back upon this letter and know just how much you are loved and what an impact you have had on our lives.
  From the beginning, before we were even paired with your dads we were so excited and anxious to become pregnant, excited to share this humbling experience as a family...when we got the call saying the opportunity was available we couldn't accept fast enough! From that moment on the journey began.
  We were in contact with your dads and fell in love with them, as individuals, as a couple, and as future parents. It was as if we had known them for years. My husband and I were astonished by their genuine desire to have children. As we watched them play with our own children, it became very clear to us that these two men were meant to be parents. We left our first meeting wishing we could speed everything up and give them the children they desired right away. It was truly a heart warming moment for us.
  After months of communicating via email, it became even more clear...the connection my family had with yours was stronger than ever. My heart and my body were both ready to embrace the two of you. From that moment on the rest was history.
  I was pregnant, both embryos took to my uterus. I was going to grow twins. Later we found out you both were girls! My husband and I had 2 daughters of our own, so how fitting to give that same gift to another couple. You were labeled Baby A (Garance) and Baby B (Chloe) so from the first ultrasound, so that's what we called you. I hoped you both grew in to healthy babies and judging by the severe morning sickness I suffered, you girls were just fine! The beginning of this pregnancy was rough, we experienced lots of downs and not to many ups...but we all kept faith and remained optimistic. Both of you must have been strong girls because after months of worrying, at once all problems vanished. This was now a healthy pregnancy and we all were relieved and over come with joy ! Now, my family and yours could breathe easy and enjoy the end of this miracle in the making.
  I'm 28 weeks pregnant, you are expected to make your big debut in about 2 months. I am anxious, my body is sore and distorted, my skin is stretched and my legs and feet beg me to lay down...yet I embrace these moments. I watch my stomach move and jerk as the two of you fight for room. I press my daughters' hands onto my moving abdomen and let them experience the life that is you. My husband and I often discuss what you may become one day and how much we love you and hope you are happy with the parents you have been blessed with. We wonder what you will think of us, and hope that in the future we will remain right now we embrace the aches and pains and swollen legs, because those complaints are reassurance that you both are safe, sound and close!
  As this letter comes to a close I want you to know that we love you both as a member of our family. You will alway hold a place in our hearts and we will alway welcome you with open arms. Your story is a part of our story, and no matter how far in distance you both may be the memory of how you became will be near to us for as long as we live. Thank you so much for being a huge part of who we are and molding us into who we have become. 

We wish you both a beautiful, happy, and healthy life, full of love and peace! 

Hugs and kisses to last you a life time: 

Alexis Cummings

Friday, April 15, 2011

Advice please!!

Hey Everyone,
  Sorry my blogs are so spread out, but like I've said news is good news! As of now I'm 26 weeks pregnant with means I will be on bed rest in 7 weeks and the twins should make their debut in 10 short weeks!
Now that things are smooth sailing time is flying by! Other then typical pregnancy pains I am doing great and getting larger by the minute. Next Friday I will do my Glucose test and I have a feeling I won't be passing...I've been having major blood sugar problems so I wouldn't be surprised at all...but let's hope for the best:)

Okay, now I want to let you guys in on a gift I'm making for the twins who have taken over my body! I'm making a baby book. I'm not a scrap Booker so I'm a bit nervous about how it may turn out but I'm going to give it a whirl...I'm really excited and I'm full of creative ideas, however, I need your help (again)

1. Ladies, I need womanly advice to add to an "advice column" in the scrap book. As you know these girls will not have a mother so what motherly advice do you have for two growing girls?! 

2. Ladies, these daddies will have their hands full of estrogen...any advice on how to deal with little girls?

3. Letters and/or words of encouragement!

Please, I want this to be special and full of "a womans touch" so send your answers to me via comment or email

Thanks again for your love and support! 

Monday, March 28, 2011

Physical vs Emotional

Hey everyone,
  Now that things are going wonderfully I hardly have much to tell. After the long road we have travel though, I'm not sure I should be complaining. Actually I'm certain I shouldn't complain...these past few weeks have been wonderful!
I recently had a prenatal appointment, as well as an ultrasound (surprise surprise!) and once again all signs point to PERFECTION! Both baby girls are setting up for the long haul, and growing so wonderfully. A big issue with twins is in many cases (most all) one baby outgrows the other resulting in one baby being much smaller and more vulnerable once born...these babies are the EXACT same size, same heart rates, and both wiggly as all get out, the doctors are so pleased and astonished at the turn this train wreck of a pregnancy has taken. They are so pleased that from here on out I will be treated as a regular patient...i will do one more 2 week ultrasound and prenatal appointment, then like other pregnant women I will have check ups every 2 weeks with an ultrasound to check baby size and position every 4 weeks! I couldn't be more thrilled...and I can say the same about the daddies:)

So...physically things are normal! I'm starting to nest, and my mind thinks up something to do constantly, unfortunately my body isn't on board! My back aches and the stretching of my skin is becoming very uncomfortable. Small things like sitting up after laying down or walking to the bathroom (which happens every 5 minutes no lie) makes me feel as thought I'm a chain smoker who just ran a marathon...catching my breath is impossible when you have babies from ribs to pelvis. Also feeling them move has been...interesting to say the least, it's like a wrestling cage in my uterus, typical sisters...they are always fighting and since clothes and boys aren't an issue I can only assume they are fighting over leg room ;) one moves left, one moves right and pretty soon my stomach is distorted and lop sided. 

Speaking of stomach...holy cow, and  I mean cow! I'm am getting larger and larger...I'm not sure how it's physically possible to get any bigger but I'm sure I'm going to find out in due time. Emotionally this weight gain and expanding belly has taken a huge toll on me, one I didn't expect! Most of you that know me know I've had weight issues my whole life...last year I worked harder then ever to shed the pounds and I was 15 pounds from my goal when I started hormone shots (which put an end to weight loss) so here I am full of babies and craving food like pancakes, steak n shake, steak...and shakes lol. Now i'm 40 lbs from my goal weight and as the pounds come on I get depressed thinking about all the time, all the effort all the sweat and tears it will take to lose this baby weight! These are struggles that every pregnant woman takes on as their bodies take form of a baby incubator...and with the help of a loving husband I am coping so bare with my body imagine complaints and insecurities because now that all is wonderful it's the small things like weight gain and back aches that creep up on me and those petty dispositions have found a way to take over my mind. 

Hang with me, this pregnancy has about 14 weeks but the journey is far from over!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Ladies Ga Ga- They were born this way ;)

Hey Everyone,

  I can finally breath, as well as a pregnant woman can at least. But figuratively speaking I can breath...relax...enjoy this pregnancy, and oh it feels so good!!

  Yesterday was my 2nd and LAST appointment with the high risk specialist, and I couldn't be happier:) after an hour long ultrasound the nurse informed us that 1. The blood clot is GONE!!! 2. As my uterus has expanded with the growth of the babies, the placenta has moved over 1cm away from my cervix...meaning I no longer have placenta previa!!! 

  In terms we can all understand...this pregnancy has went from terrible terrible terrible to normal!! No more morning sickness, I'm not exhausted, and other then the occasional headache, back ache, and swollen legs and feet I have no complaints! I never ever thought this day would come and here it is...I can sit back, close my eyes, relax and feel both babies wiggle and giggle inside me with a big smile on my face.

  Although the high risk specialist is out of the picture this is still a twin pregnancy, and considered high risk. The risk we face though, are typical of a twin pregnancy...1 baby is breech and due to the lack of room there is a very small chance that will change, meaning a CSection is still a likely possibility (but my fingers are crossed). There is also a risk the babies may get to big, so it's still 100% possible these babies will need to be born between 33-36 weeks...and I won't complain about that either way, of course I want them growing and healthy so the longer we wait the better (for them!). That being said...Ahhhh!!! A sigh of relief!

Also, after much deliberation the daddies to be have finally picked out names! No more baby A no more baby B! 

Baby A= Garance (Ga-ronce) which I believe is the name "Grace" in American
Baby B= Gabrielle

The dads are Lady GaGa fans so these babies will be their own personal Ladies Ga-Ga:) so sweet yet hilarious!

I am already putting together a few things for this couple and your help would be great! I need to BARROW (meaning you will get your items back) infant car seats, bassinets, pack n plays, ect. The couple will be here for 2-6 weeks and if they can barrow these things while here it would save them the anxiety of bring it over from France or buying it here and lugging it back to France with their newborns.

Also I will be having a welcoming shower for them and the babies so everyone can see the ending/beautiful beginning of this please let me know if you'd be interested in meeting this family before they start a separate journey 1000's of miles away!

Thanks again for your prayers, thoughts, and best wishes...they have paid off in the most extraordinary way! I owe you guys big time:) 

Friday, March 4, 2011

A Sigh of Relief:)

Hey Everyone,
  I would apologize for not writing as frequently as I was, but me not writing means no news...and I can't complain about that! We all were in desperate need of a slow down and finally we got it!

 Along with a wonderfully boring week we were surprised with good news! At my doctor appointment, during the ultrasound we saw a significant change in the blood has reduced to half it's size and there is no active bleeding! For the first time in months I got to take in a deep breath followed by a glorious sigh of relief! 

After my ultrasound I was consulted on my official diagnoses by my OB. I have an extreme case of "Placenta Previa" this means the Placenta is directly above my while discussing this syndrome we also discussed my birthing plan. I will be delivering via CSection between 33 weeks and 36 weeks. Typically twins can be carries full term but usually are delivered by 37 weeks. I can not go into active labor so these babies will be pre term. I will continue to be monitored every 2 weeks rotating between my normal OB and the specialist until my 3rd trimester, at that time one doctor will take over and we will decide which hospital will be the birth place of these two healthy little girls!

Speaking of the twins...I have been informed baby A has a name! In English her name would be Grace although in France it sounds very different! I am so excited to put a name with this little drama queen and I look forward to hearing Baby B's sweet name soon!

Thanks everyone for following this journey it's over half way over and I don't know what I would do without your support and words of encouragement! There's a bumpy and emotional ride ahead but there is no doubt that with friends and family like you I will continue to move forward in the most positive way! Thanks again!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Love and Acceptance

Hey Everyone,
  For the past two days I've been plagued with that dreaded morning sickness again, it has came back 10 times as bad yet I find myself thankful. I had 6 wonderful days, I felt normal, full of energy and actually sat down for meals with my family! 

 At the fist sign of nausea I started to whine, and complain. The day went on and I was vomiting more and body hurt, my throat hurt, I was cramping and my abdomen felt like I had done crunches for hours on end. Then laying in bed I thought...this is what I'm complaining about, puking? I am puking because I'm pregnant, with the babies of 2 men who are discriminated against, who are told their lifestyle is wrong and against Gods will, who have to travel to another country and pay huge amounts of money to live out the dream of being parents...and instead of sharing their wonderful news with the world they are forced to keep it a secret. I'm puking, my body hurts, and I'm exhausted, yet these are minor problem compared to discrimination, prejudice, and hate! 

  Laying in bed I am overwhelmed with acceptance...I accept that I will be sick, I accept my children may not get the attention they deserve, I accept that I will continue to miss out on things due to bed rest, I accept that I need help from friends, family, and my husband...I accept these things because this is bigger then me and my petty problems. This pregnancy in itself is's support, encouragement, it's a voice preaching "Gay Rights" "Peace" and "Love" so when you're having a bad day, when you find yourself frustrated, when you are feeling like less of a person or pushed around, know that it's going to get better, tough times will end...I have to believe this and trust in this, and so do you. I promise, when you start walking in someone else shoes and looking into the tribulations others face you will learn that your petty complaints are just that...petty! 

  Let's all work toward the bigger picture, let's all work together to accept and spread the word of love.

Here is an inspiring video I saw on YouTube I hope it inspires you deep into your heart as it did mine. Enjoy and share with others!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Hand in Hand!

Hey Everyone,
  Monday, Mondays are alway the most dreaded day of the week, but this past Monday brought a whole new meaning to the word "dreaded" I can say now, on Thursday, the storm has passed and I feel so much clarity and peace! 

  After many emails sent back an forth, discussing all we needed to discuss the fathers and I came to the conclusion that we will pass on all genetic testing, because ultimately it does not matter...these babies are babies and although the couple is far removed from the complications happening they have developed the love of a parent already.  This put my mind at ease like you can't possibly imagine, and knowing how concerned they are about my health and the well being of my family just proved to me once again...these men are the most selfless and compassionate men and I am so incredibly lucky to call them family!!

  If course while discussing my health, they became very concerned about my bed rest orders. I was hesitant to discuss this topic because it makes me feel very "car salesmen" like...I had to talk to them about cost (because they will be the ones paying for childcare) and I really hated it, typically this is negotiated through the lawyer but due to the very personal relationship we have with the couple they decided to discuss all options together. I have been dragging my feet on finding a child care center, and it has kind of paid off...the couple would rather I have someone come into our home to watch the that on top of everything else I don't feel anxiety when leaving them. They also want a house keeper to cone lighten Chris' load...I have told them it is not necessary so we have reached a happy medium. We are now searching for In home child care for Monday, Wednesdays, & Fridays from 9-3. Light house work (cleaning up after meals and cleaning up after the girls) will be asked of you as well as staying later if needed on days i have doctors appointments. Of course you will be paid for you hard work...if you know anyone interested please let me know asap we hope to have someone next week. add to all the happy news yesterday was beautiful, not just because the sun was shining, or the temperature was almost 70 (in February) but because for the 1st time since November I was not bothered by Morning/Day/Night seems like the specialist gave me the perfect pill cocktail and I was finally able to relax instead of anticipating many trip to the bathroom...for your reference, the toilet seat doesn't make a good pillow! Today I feel just as good so big shout out to the high risk specialist at St. V in Indianapolis!!

Well, like yesterday today is gorgeous, so you will find me relaxing on the porch swing while the girls run off some stored up winter energy!!

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time...we all walked hand in hand and I feel in my heart we made all the right choices...another obstacle over come! 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait?!

Hey Everyone,

  So today was the day I anticipated or maybe dreaded all weekend. After a few days of "taking it easy" I was ready to finally get some answers from the high risk specialist. Little did I know I would be biting off much more then I could chew. 

This pregnancy has proven to go wrong and wrong again, so let's start off with some good news...there is NO amniotic band, the tissue is just scar tissue probably from a previous pregnancy. The doctor said basically it will act as a play toy for baby A! Have fun little one!!

Unfortunately that was all the good news I received. We saw the bleed again, it is directly above the placenta (which means the placenta is fully attached now) however, we found that the placenta has attached directly above my cervix. This isn't good, this means the placenta will be birthed before the baby which can NOT happen. This is what is they consider "Very high risk." I will probably be deliver via c-section and preterm.

Like a typical ultrasound they also scanned both babies. While they were focusing on baby A they found blood in her bowels. This could mean 1 of 4 things. 
1. Nothing
2. She ingested blood from the clot.
3. She has Down Syndrome.
4. She has Cystic Fibrosis.
Its likely she ingested blood from the clot, which will not hurt her at all. But there is a higher then normal risk of options 3 and 4 as well which obviously is very concerning.

After the scan Chris and I had to meet with a genetic counselor. There we were given information on Down Syndrome and CF as well as our options. We are waiting to see if the couple would prefer me to undergo genetic test called amniocentesis ( where they use a large needle to extract amniotic fluid from baby A.) there is a risk of miscarriage (1/300) so much thought will go into this by all of us but right now we all are having open discussions taking everyone in to consideration.

After talking about what MAY be wrong we had to discuss  all the "what ifs." At this point I was so overwhelmed that speaking about putting the baby up for adoption or even aborting baby A (if she had Down Syndrome) was to much to bare. So instead of going forward and talking about those "options" we are going to take everything day by day and make the best possible choices we can given all the facts once we have them.  Ultimately I signed my body up for this not my morals so I am leaving all decisions up to the parents.   

As you can imagine I have been placed on bed rest, and I will follow up with the high risk specialist every 2 weeks for the duration of the pregnancy. This day has been emotionally stressful on all of us involved. I feel like I am being pushed and pulled in every direction and mentally it's exhausting. I'm ready for more good news and I am optimistic that it will come our way. I am staying strong with the support and help of my wonderful friends and family and once again the couple is so encouraging and supportive. We know we can make it through this hand in hand like the other obstacles we have over come.  I look forward to being in close contact with the fathers of these babies as well as the doctors and genetic counselor. With all of us working together I am more hopeful then ever.

Thank you for your concerns I will keep you all informed as closely as I possibly can. I love you guys!!!

Next appointment: 
Feb 28th @ 1 & 3
Mar 14th @ 2

Thursday, February 10, 2011

To My Valentine

This blog is probably the most personal blog I will ever write. This is a thank you blog to the person who has made this surrogacy possible! 
wherever you go, I shall go,
wherever you live, I shall live.
Your people will be my people,
and your God will be my God.

When I was 15 I knew I had met the man of my dreams. He was everything I never thought existed. He showed me unconditional love, and his pure heart was full of compassion. He was a gentleman, who opened my doors and wrote me poems, he showed me the meaning of love through respect and compromise. He was my best friend, my boyfriend, and the love of my life.

Over the years our love grew stronger, but that's not to say we didn't have our trials and tribulations. With any growing relationship we had our share of disagreements. But Chris stood by me and when I thought he should run, he stayed, holding my hand, and willing to build upon our problems and make only the best of a tough and sometime painful situation. His understanding, and knowledge of the meaning of "true love" has got us through so many hard times and I can't begin to express my gratitude, sticking by me can't always be easy. 

On July 22, 2006 we stood before our friends and family and said vows that would bind us together for the rest of our lives. This was a new beginning for both of us, a new Journey for us to travel together as one, this was the day we promised to live by this verse spoken by Ruth " for
wherever you go, I shall go,
wherever you live, I shall live.
Your people will be my people,
and your God will be my God.
where you die, I shall die." 

The future is unknown, and neither of us could have predicted the twist in turn our journey would have taken but here we are...nearly 10 years together and almost 5 years happily married with 2 beautiful daughters who have taught us the meaning of an even truer love. 

Through the years we have endured job lose, money troubles, emotional trials, tragedy, lose, and heartache. But through it all we continue to hold hands. 

This surrogacy has tested me emotionally, and physically. I can't count on things to go normal, or even good right now but one thing I can count on is my husband and his amazing support and love. I can count on him asking " do you want to talk about it?" "is there anything I can do?" or "what can I do to help?" I can count on him wiping my tears, kissing my forehead while hugging me as if tomorrow won't come. I can count on him to keep the house clean and the girls entertained so I can take a warm bath or lay down to get rid of a headache, back pain or cramp. I can count on him 100% to tell me what I'm doing matters and that we are in this together. I can count on him to be my rock, my will, and my encouragement...I can count on that same unconditional love that I counted on 10 years ago when I was a 15 year old awkward freshman standing before the captain of the football team, the valedictorian and asked for him to take a chance on me...with me. 

Together we take walk side by side through this new journey, our journey through surrogacy. And although I'm the one who is pregnant, Chris has shared in this experience 110% he is with me through the good the bad and the even worse. Without him I wouldn't and couldn't do this so today I would like to say Thank you Chris, for being the most amazing partner a girl could ask for. You are my best friend, a fantastic father and an unbelievable husband. I truly am the luckiest girl in the entire world. Through this process I feel our love grow stronger then I had ever thought possible. I promise all your hard work and dedication is not unseen and words could never express how much I deeply appreciate everything you are.

You are the love of my life, Happy Early Valentines Day!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"No News is Good News"

Hey Everyone,
 The saying goes "No news is good news" and I was really hoping for no news...unfortunately I got an ear full of news today. 

 I went into my appointment with one wish, a selfish wish. All I wanted was for my doctor to come in and say "there is no need for bed rest!" after all, I have 2 daughters of my own to care for, and I can't be the best mother I can be from a bed! Needless to say, bed rest is the last of my concerns as of now.

  The first bit of bad news came from the Ultrasound tech. The clot has grown much bigger. So big that even me, an untrained eye noticed it's large size. Nearly 8cm, bigger then the top it off, my doctor informed me that it could not be in a worse spot! The bleed is located right above my cervix which means I will have menstrual like symptoms throughout this pregnancy (which included crippling cramps.) 

I started to cry a few tears as I waited for my medical bed rest orders, but then I noticed the doctors concerning eyes. What else could go wrong? Over and over the ultra sound tech focused in on one thing...coming from the clot and attaching to the sac of baby A was a odd line of tissue. The doctor explained it's called an "amniotic band" which is a cob web type band that can be very dangerous. The danger is that as the baby grows one of her arms, legs or other appendages could get caught in this web. If an appendage gets caught, and tangled it can cut of circulation causing baby A to lose that limb. 

  Due to the rarity of this situation I have been referred to a high risk specialist in Indianapolis. Next week I will see the specialist, and the following week I will have a follow up with my doctor that time we will discuss what needs to be done to keep both babies and myself safe.

I'm beginning to get very frustrated and incredibly depressed...but while driving home I began to cry due to an even more profound emotion. Guilt! I looked into my rear view mirror and saw 2 of the most beautiful girls in the world, my daughters. They were fast asleep and so peaceful, how did I get them into this situation. A situation where it takes all I have to get out of bed to make them breakfast, where I beg them to play in their room because I'm so sick and sore. How absolutely selfish of me. I cried for 30 minutes and the urge to continue is still friends, my family, the couple, they are all worried and frankly so am I. I am beginning to feel more like a burden, lazy, and useless and the emotional toll is really wearing on me.

 I know what I'm doing is worth while, and I tell myself that my kids will understand that the lack of attention is for a cause bigger then us. But right now I feel like I am squashed between a rock and a hard place. I look forward to the day when "no news is good news" to a day when I see this couple holding their daughters with a look of pure bliss on their faces. That day can not come soon enough. Until then I will try very hard to stay as optimistic as my doctor...both babies are perfect, growing, kicking, wiggling and healthy, which means I'm doing my job!

I will update everyone once I hear from the high risk specialist, he sees awful things on a day to day basis, so I'm sure this will end up being no big deal for him, which means I will finally get the answers I've desperately been waiting for.

Again I would like to end by saying thank you for you out pour of support, it amazes me every day! Thank you all for being wonderful!

Friday, February 4, 2011

Conflicting information?

Hey Everyone,
  Well I will be the first to admit that this pregnancy has had it's fair share of ups and downs...and here lately I feel a though the downs are out weighing the ups, as you can imagine this has been a struggle for everyone involved. 

Last night we made yet another trip to the hospital, it's kinda sad because I'm beginning to remember nurses by their names and they are remembering me too (mostly because this is a surrogacy and it tends to stick in peoples heads). Once again I was asked to go in due to more bleeding. This wasn't as dramatic as before but still stressful none the less.

Ever since my last "scare" the bleeding has hasn't been bad and has been very manageable yet annoying...however being annoyed isn't a medical emergency. Yesterday was different. The bleeding came with cramping so I called the Doctor. The on call doctor explained what was happening. Basically I have a loose blood vessel that was supposed to attach to the placenta. Since it has not attached it's bleeding into an open space which was created by the blood. The vessel is bleeding between the placenta and the uterine wall. The bigger the bleed gets the more the placenta detaches...if the placenta detaches the baby will not survive. So this is a much touchier situation then I initially thought. The bleed went from 5 cm to 3 cm and last night it was back up to 5 cm which mean the bleed isn't clotting. The doctor explained that when I move or lift something the vessel pumps a new drop or two of blood causing the clot to bleed again. Since it's not clotting I have been told I need to be on bed rest. Typically I would say "no house cooking...twilight marathons....Woohoo!" but I have 2 kids bed rest isn't an option. 

I have been given conflicting information by doctors. The on call doctor says bed rest, my doctor says there's nothing I can or can't do that will effect this either I'm torn! I will see my doctor on Wednesday and I will also have an ultrasound, I plan on discussing my situation (pros and cons) with my OB and hopefully get some answers. I will let everyone know how my appointment goes and hopefully bed rest will be as needed.

Thanks so much for your concerns and prayers! You guys are terrific!

*big thanks to my husband, he has so much on his plate yet made time to add a slide show at the bottom of the blog. More pictures to come! Thanks babe!

Monday, January 31, 2011

"We Are All They Have Right Now"

Hey Everyone,
  I hope everyone had a great weekend spent with your family and friends, and for those about to get a lot of snow and ice I hope your prepared...we aren't but we will hustle and bustle today be sure we are ready for the worst.

While we did have a weekend full of friends and family it was Sunday night at home that got me thinking. Laying on the couch, with my shirt raised to show my belly, Chris came over to rub on the stretches skin. He looked up at me and asked a simple question "Can I tell them I love them?" I immediately said "NO!" then he said something that has changed my whole emotional outlook on this pregnancy. He said "but we are all they have right now"

After hearing Chris say those 8 words "but we are all they have right now" It repeated itself over and over again. I laid in bed trying to sort out what that meant, and what it SHOULD mean and what it COULDN'T mean. Here's what I came up with...for those of you with kids, when you leave them with a family member or daycare provider do you trust that your kids are taken care of? Do you trust that someone will show your child/children love and compassion while under their supervision? I am these babies caregiver, family relative, daycare provider...I should care for these girls, show them love and compassion...this has been a struggle because I am afraid of what loving them could mean, loving them means missing them when they are gone and I'm not sure how to handle that...I won't be sure until that time comes.

What I am sure of, is I do love these twins, if I didn't love them I wouldn't have willingly gave up my body to them. I loved them before I knew there would be a "them" I loved just the thought of "them" when that's all they were...a thought! Along with the love I have for these babies I have a deep love for their fathers which makes my role as a gestational carrier much easier to understand...I am to love, care, and provide for these twins while they grow inside me, and when I have done my job, the babies will be here, healthy and happy. I will miss them when they are gone but I will know I did what I said I would do and now they are with their amazing fathers striving and growing into amazing children who I am sure will make a difference in this world....

Writing this blog has been very therapeutic, because until now I didn't let myself show any emotion toward these babies and toward this pregnancy. Although we talk about the babies all the time, and explain the process to our kids almost daily, I have kept any feelings very distant and considered myself very detached because that's what I thought I was supposed to do. The truth is, every time I see those babies on the ultrasound monitor I tear up and can't wipe the huge grin off my face...the truth is, thats okay! These girls are not mine, but over the next few months I will be their caregiver I will show them love and compassion, I will sing to them in the shower, an yes...I will let Chris tell them he loves them, right after I get to say it, and when the time comes to hand these gorgeous girls over to their dads I will know that my work is done and now the couple can show them the love only parents can show their child and in that moment I will know that I did exactly what I was supposed to do!

You all have read blog after blog about my physical state, I have been incredibly sick, I've been exhausted, and I have had one to many "scares" because 1 scare is to many! I hope now you have an idea into my emotional state. It's confusing and scatterbrained I know...but remember this isn't a "normal" situation so normal feelings are far and few! I hope to keep you all updated on how I feel emotionally and physically so you have a better idea how this journey through surrogacy effects me and my family on a very personal level.

Thank you guys so much for sticking with me and showing an outpour of support.  Thank you to all the people, even strangers who have asked how I am feeling, thank you to Autumn Smith who has generously donated her time as a photographer to take maternity pictures to complete our scrapbook. Thanks for all who have made my blog their Facebook status, showing support and and sharing it with others. Thanks to my friends and family willing to write heartfelt letters to show support and encouragement to the couple. Thank you to the couple for giving me the chance to know such amazing men and giving me the opportunity to love and care for your children, they have literally trusted me with their lives! And a big thanks to my amazing husband who works so hard all day to come home and take care of the girls, make dinner, clean the house all while making sure I am relaxing and comfortable. One more thanks, thank you to my beautiful kids, at 2 and 3 they have been so understanding and so helpful. I truly am the luckiest girl in the entire world

I can't say thank you enough! So one more time Thanks Everyone! I love you!

Autumn Smith, please feel free to leave your Photography website in the comment section, I would love for everyone to see what excellent work you do! Thanks again!

Friday, January 28, 2011


Hey Everyone,
  I want to let everyone in on a project I'm working on and give all of you the chance to help make it special!

As a gift to the parents to be and babies I am making a scrap book. In the scrap book I will include pictures, ultrasound pictures, journal entries, and fun tidbits like cravings and comments made by my girls.

In addition. I am hoping to get at least 20 letters of support, encouragement and advice given by you for the couple. Please please help make this scrap book complete and extra special. I will need the letters asap so I can get started! Send you letters to:

Thank you so much for your wonderful support and help. Please tell friends and family member who know of our journey to feel free to send there letters as well. The more the more special and the more impact YOU have on this family's (and my) life! 

Thank you!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

All We Need is LOVE!

Hey Everyone,
  After a 5 day vacation I can honestly say it's good to be back home again in Indiana...and on flat ground. I think being in the mountains and being in much higher altitude I experienced "morning sickness" like never before and I must was miserable! To top it off both of my daughters were sick with a sinus infection.
  It wasn't all bad though, I got the pleasure of being surrounded by some of the most fantastic supportive understanding people, it proved once again that I truly do have the best friends ( who I owe big time).
  Also on this vacation my heart was warmed like I never knew possible. Ruby reminded me in the most surreal way why I'm am doing this surrogacy...this is why I blog today, to share the inspirational conversation I had with my brilliant 3 year old. So let me set the scene for those who weren't there.

While on vacation we met a terrific couple...2 women who are raising two children together. This strikes my interest on many levels, one being The men we are working with will be in a similar situation, and this gave me a look into the future...and I loved what I saw. 2 supportive moms, caring and loving their children, 2 striving kids who showed deep care and love toward both moms...I'm sure this family goes through trials and tribulations but their high spirits and and pure happiness was very inspiring and very rewarding to see.

After meeting this couple my 3 year old Ruby came up to me and sat on my lap. She asked who these women were. I told her they were related to her little friend. "They are "noah's" aunts." I said "Ruby, you know how Dru is your Aunt? Well these women are "noah's" aunts...he has 2, isn't that so neat?" Ruby proceeded to shock me by comparing these women to the men we are surrogating for. She said "Mommy, they are like are friends in France!"

Knowing her understanding of the situation floored me. Growing up I knew gay couples but as many of you can agree it was taboo, and not talked about. I grew up with a family who taught me acceptance, and knowing that through this surrogacy I have taught my children the same gives me an overwhelmingly amount of pride! Not only does Ruby accept and understand that love is and can be experienced by same sex couples but here in 2011 it is not taboo! It's a subject we talk about openly and daily in our house hold and I am so proud to say that in the Cummings house even at the young age of 3 we promote equal rights and love for all!

Through this surrogacy I have learned so many things from so many different people and it is so humbling to know that while I learn, my kids learn. This short conversation with my daughter gave me once again the reassurance that this is what I was meant to be doing. I hope that reading this sparks conversation in your house, I hope it gives you a reason to talk about acceptance an equal rights to your children, no matter their age. We are our children's teachers...let's teach them LOVE!

 (Ruby is proof it's never to early to start this important conversation)

Well, I hope you all have a fantastic Hump Day, until I write again...stay safe!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Baby A...mazing

Hey Everyone,
  A weight has been lifted, both my family and the couples family can breath easy knowing both babies GIRLS are in perfect health! 
 These past few days have been emotionally straining on everyone involved. A wave of feelings have come, gone and come again. I have felt sadness, guilt, hope, happiness, relief, and frustration among other emotions I can't quite explain. Through everything this pregnancy has brought I have never questioned my decision to be a surrogate. I would like to share an email written by the couple so you get a feel for the love we share for one you fully understand why, through the hardship this is the most rewarding experience.


We are really sorry about all that bad things and stress you have experienced.
The most important thing is that you, Chris and the girls are fine. Whatever happens you 've done more than your best, more than any other woman would have done if she were in your place.
You were right : at the beginning  we chose you because you had 2 successful pregnancies, we didn't know you, and it was so strange to chose someone you don't know for something so important.  Then we discovered the person you are ... an incredible person, you are better than anything we could have dreamed of.  The more we have gotten to  know you, the more we realize how lucky we are to have the chance to know you. So once again don't feel bad for us, whatever happen happens and  there's nothing you could have done better.
 You've been through so many bad things, all to give us the chance to be parents : needles, bad exams, pain... we owe you so much, more than anything we could give you back.
We are sorry too, for the girls and Chris, it's so hard for them, it must be so painful for your 2 lovely girls to see their mom sick and so stressed. Sometimes we consider ourselves as really selfish to ask you and your family for so much, to put through such a hard pregnancy.
Tonight I've prayed for baby A, and i pray for you too. I haven't prayed for 22 years, when i was 14 I lost a friend in a car accident and I thought god couldn't take such a young girl. Tonight I prayed my way, I'm not sure god exists, but I asked him to save that little baby... if the way you pray matters ... I'm not sure it will be effective, but I did it with all my heart and soul....

That is just a SHORT portion of an email that possibly changed my life. These 2 men are 2 of the most amazing, loving people I have had the pleasure of knowing...they are the reason I'm doing this, they are the reason after having my head in a toilet all day I go to bed feeling good. This has taken an emotional and physical toll on me and my family and I can tell everyone right's been worth it!

I really hope everyone who reads this feels the love that pours from these men...

Also thank you, thanks for your help, comments, text, calls and concerns, it's the most humbling feeling to know you care so much. Keep praying for a fast recovery. Already the hematoma is down 3 cm and the placenta is reattaching. I can't say thank you enough, your support has made this process that much more enjoyable! I love you!

Now, just what the doctor ordered..a vacation! Enjoy the Indiana snow and I will be enjoying the snow while relaxing in a cabin in the smokey mountains! Stay safe through this horrible weather and stay tuned to "our journey through surrogacy" there's much more to come!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Rollercoaster ride

Hey Everyone,
I just wanted to fill all of you in on what's been happening during the past few days. This pregnancy has taken a very painful turn but with some steering we hope to direct it back on to the right path.

Friday was a great day! I had a doctors appointment and I was so excited...I have been experiencing the most horrible non stop morning sickness, and I had waited for this appointment in hopes the doctor could give me some relief. The appointment went well. The Doctor heard a heartbeat (with twins the doctor can't distinguish two separate heart beats so one heartbeat is as good as two) I was measuring great and the only concern was my calorie intake. With twins I should get about 2000 calories a day and between being sick and my loss of appetite I haven't came close to that. Before taking extreme measures we were going to try an "anti diet" where basically I eat everything and anything. Pizza with extra cheese, big macs, ice cream for every meal...the idea is to eat a lot because even though I will throw it back up some calories will be digested. Even bad calories are calories at this point I guess. Of course I would only do this for 3 weeks to see if I am able to put on a little weight without a more dramatic approach (like a PICC). I left that appointment feeling better and hopeful that this awful morning sickness would fade. Plus the doctor was going to monitor my case more closely, seeing me every 3 weeks instead of 4 and doing ultrasound every other appointment...what a relief!

Later I went to dinner with a friend and after eating I felt great, not sick, not tired just great! I really thought the days of throwing up 15 times a day, the days of begging the kids to nap because I couldn't bare to go on without a nap was over...I am 13 weeks after all, good bye and no thanks 1st trimester!

I came home a laid down on the couch, and around 11p.m. I felt this cramp...or a contraction I wasn't sure. It was crippling though, and I was pretty scared. Normally a Braxton hicks contraction only last a few seconds but it had been minutes, felt like hours so what was going on? Chris picked me up to my feet, we had hoped standing and walking may help the pain let up, and it worked! I walked to the bathroom and walked problem. I sat down on the couch and immediately felt a warm gush.
I knew right away what the gush was...blood. Chris stood me up and another gush. At this point my legs feet, chris's arms our couch, everything was covered in blood. I ran to the bathroom where for 10 minutes blood was pouring out of me. This was terrifying...for me, for my kids who were in the room and my husband who was calling the doctor. I think at this point I was in shock. I was shaking, my legs and arms felt numb and all I could think about were the babies....the babies who aren't mine, the babies I am carrying for someone else, someone who deserves these babies.

The doctor called us back with in a few minutes, and A's we already suspected the outlook wasn't good, miscarriage! I was advised to go to the ER so they could further investigate what had happened...but already I felt beat and discouraged. The ride there was painful, I felt like I was giving birth, plus I was still bleeding, and puking at this point. I couldn't even get out of the car when we arrived, my legs felt like jello. We skipped the routine check in and went straight back for evaluation. I passed a huge clot which I could only imagine was a fetus. I was given an IV for fluids and pain medication, while waiting for the ultrasound tech. The ER doctor came in and told us what we already knew...this looked like a miscarriage. I was trying to wrap my head around what had happened in such a short amount of time, and I was trying to figure out just how to put this into words for the couple who's baby was just lost. I was in and out of sleep and shock but never was my concern anything but these men, these soon to be dads.

Finally the ultra sound tech arrived. As she did the ultrasound I saw a look of relief on Chris's face "is that two babies I see?" HOPE, I had hope, I didn't pass a baby. I didn't miscarry! I looked at the screen and there they were 2 wiggly dancing babies, I couldn't believe it! I felt relief and hope and happiness...we just watched them move and wiggle in disbelief for 10 minutes or more. What a weight lifted...but what was wrong, what was bleeding and why?

The admitted me to the maternity ward over night so I could speak with my doctor in the morning. With pain medication I was able to get a few hours sleep, but worrying kept me awake most of the time. When the doctor came in at 9:00a.m. He explained to Chris and I what happened. The pain I felt when i was "cramping" was the placenta for baby A detaching. It had ripped away from my uterine wall and cause a large hematoma (blood colt) to form between the placenta and the uterus. Meaning baby A's air supply wasn't attached, leaving baby A in jeopardy. This wasn't the good news I had hoped for.

Our doctor said he only sees this maybe once a year and typically they baby is fine. As the hematoma heals the placenta reattaches itself to the uterine wall and all is well. With IVF the chances are lower because the placenta is weaker and was build using drugs. He hopes that since I am only 13 weeks and since the hematoma is only 5 cm (which is the same size as the baby) that as the hematoma heals and the placenta grows stronger only the best case scenario will occur.

As of now there is no way of knowing what direction this will head. I'm considered high risk and have been assured that nothing I do or don't do will effect the outcome. The doctors will monitor the situation with an ultrasound on Wednesday, but won't know anything else for about a month (when the hematoma has healed) so now with baby A in Jepordey we wait and hope and pray he/she will hang on and fight for life.

This has been an emotional roller coaster and physically painful but I am remaining optimistic. The couple has been informed and would appreciate prayers for their precious baby A. They have been so amazing and so concerned about my well being, and the well being of my family. They are very anxious to see what will happen and very nervous, they have told me many times how much they love me and how they want nothing but for me to get's amazing how close our families are (even while they are in France) and how much we have grown to love and care for one another. This terrible situation has brought us that much closer and I hope like other bridges we have crossed hand in hand this will only be a distant memory with another happy ending!

One more thing, I want to thank my husband. This was hard on him. To see me covered in blood and not know what was happening...he was worried and scared but remained strong and took excellent care of me. He is and always has been my rock. Having him through this has been a pure blessing. I love you Chris!

And thank you to my friends, you say "I am here whenever you need me" and hold true to that. Thank you for your love and support you all have been wonderful and without our weekend bonfires and dinner and a movie dates I would have no reason to want to feel better! Thank you.

I will let you all know what I find out in the coming days, in the mean time keep your thoughts with baby A and pray baby B remains healthy! Thank you!