The saying goes "No news is good news" and I was really hoping for no news...unfortunately I got an ear full of news today.
I went into my appointment with one wish, a selfish wish. All I wanted was for my doctor to come in and say "there is no need for bed rest!" after all, I have 2 daughters of my own to care for, and I can't be the best mother I can be from a bed! Needless to say, bed rest is the last of my concerns as of now.
The first bit of bad news came from the Ultrasound tech. The clot has grown much bigger. So big that even me, an untrained eye noticed it's large size. Nearly 8cm, bigger then the babies...to top it off, my doctor informed me that it could not be in a worse spot! The bleed is located right above my cervix which means I will have menstrual like symptoms throughout this pregnancy (which included crippling cramps.)
I started to cry a few tears as I waited for my medical bed rest orders, but then I noticed the doctors concerning eyes. What else could go wrong? Over and over the ultra sound tech focused in on one thing...coming from the clot and attaching to the sac of baby A was a odd line of tissue. The doctor explained it's called an "amniotic band" which is a cob web type band that can be very dangerous. The danger is that as the baby grows one of her arms, legs or other appendages could get caught in this web. If an appendage gets caught, and tangled it can cut of circulation causing baby A to lose that limb.
Due to the rarity of this situation I have been referred to a high risk specialist in Indianapolis. Next week I will see the specialist, and the following week I will have a follow up with my doctor again...at that time we will discuss what needs to be done to keep both babies and myself safe.
I'm beginning to get very frustrated and incredibly depressed...but while driving home I began to cry due to an even more profound emotion. Guilt! I looked into my rear view mirror and saw 2 of the most beautiful girls in the world, my daughters. They were fast asleep and so peaceful, how did I get them into this situation. A situation where it takes all I have to get out of bed to make them breakfast, where I beg them to play in their room because I'm so sick and sore. How absolutely selfish of me. I cried for 30 minutes and the urge to continue is still there...my friends, my family, the couple, they are all worried and frankly so am I. I am beginning to feel more like a burden, lazy, and useless and the emotional toll is really wearing on me.
I know what I'm doing is worth while, and I tell myself that my kids will understand that the lack of attention is for a cause bigger then us. But right now I feel like I am squashed between a rock and a hard place. I look forward to the day when "no news is good news" to a day when I see this couple holding their daughters with a look of pure bliss on their faces. That day can not come soon enough. Until then I will try very hard to stay as optimistic as my doctor...both babies are perfect, growing, kicking, wiggling and healthy, which means I'm doing my job!
I will update everyone once I hear from the high risk specialist, he sees awful things on a day to day basis, so I'm sure this will end up being no big deal for him, which means I will finally get the answers I've desperately been waiting for.
Again I would like to end by saying thank you for you out pour of support, it amazes me every day! Thank you all for being wonderful!